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Having spent the best part of a week in a hospital general ward, admittedly an upmarket private hospital, has obviously given me quite a bit of food for reflection on the state of the human family.
I once conducted a workshop activity on different levels of being “family” from nuclear family to extended, right up to ourselves, everything that lives and moves and even rocks and geological structures as being members of the great cosmic family; emphasizing that we’re all brothers and sisters.
Nevertheless clearly we experience affinities and antipathies at all levels.  We relate well to certain persons, animals, plants, smells, night skies, or sunrises or otherwise hate or merely dislike them.   Affinities and antipathies are experiential, gut responses from somewhere deep inside us.  It is not fair or right to criticise a mother for having a greater affinity with her own infant then with a starving baby seen on TV or even another baby being physically held. Family ties are natural and even necessary. Parents and teens find it hard enough to relate to their biological family members but harder to adoptive or stepfamilies.
Affinity is the reason why we tolerate the behaviour of our own sports teams and call others boors.
Our own social class, work, profession, race or colour offer a refuge; the reason, an aid to social cohesion. It is a natural phenomenon; we all need love, belonging and security and their lack can be too awful to comprehend.   
Xenophobic attacks experienced in South Africa recently include this element in addition to a host of other factors like poverty and a battle for scarce resources. The unbelievably horrific partisan violence in Zimbabwe does too.  

In a hospital ward there is an amazing degree of intimacy through a common vulnerability and there too there are subtle affinities or antipathies played out through alliances and “common enemy” thinking. You become a little club. There’s Mrs Mom, the warm-hearting helper; the raconteur who has endless stories to tell; the cool yuppie, (“Of course I’m fine, everything is under control”) even punk rockers with their apparent nonchalance. But under the façade are the human fears and hopes for life and health and the affinity of knowing we’re all human family.  
But I was struck by something else. At the soft underbelly of life are the truly marginalised, those who are different, social misfits, people with disabilities especially mental disabilities. Through erratic behaviour, wandering minds and sometimes only through their shuffling feet they involuntarily become a focus of group distrust. In their particular vulnerability they threaten our common norms of acceptable behaviour.         

The family has a valuable role to play in social cohesion, in providing norms and standards but it is the special natural affinity between members that is possibly one of its greatest strengths. It is the reason why we are prepared to sacrifice and suffer and it can make disciplining and enforcing acceptable behaviour possible. Family violence is affinity gone wrong.
The question must be asked how far does family affinity extend, when is it good and when does it become discriminatory and even evil?   
Love is at the heart of all relationships. There’s a saying, “Love wasn’t put in your heart to stay, love isn’t love till you give it away.”  Our call as Christians is to extend this love, from our immediate to our extended and to the greater human family, but first we must examine our affinities and our antipathies too. Why do we act the way we do, at times being ashamed and embarrassed by our own behaviour?  We are not responsible for our feelings but we are responsible for our actions and to some degree for their consequences.
Spiritual growth is an ongoing journey of examining and celebrating our ability to belong to God and to one another, whoever we are.

The No 3 issue of Marriage and Family Living is now available, developing themes for July – September.  What does Pope Benedict XVI to say to grandparents?  See article on the website. www.marfam.org.za
Also of interest in line with the start of the Pauline year should be some reflections on Paul and Marriage extracted from the booklet Written on Scrolls, Inscribed on Hearts  by David M Thomas.
Other MARFAM publications are listed on the website.
A new booklet written by me, but published by Redemptorist Publications, Becoming Widowed can also be ordered from us.

PARISH FAMILY MINISTRY WORKSHOP held 20- 22 June 2008
Some 50 delegates from various dioceses participated in the workshop which according to their evaluations they found eye-opening, valuable, challenging but generally helpful. Admittedly it was very hard work from Friday night until Sunday lunchtime as there was much to cover in this Introductory Workshop giving a broad overview of the project as whole. Follow-ups were requested and a number of one day workshops will be held to deal more fully with individual areas as well as further weekend workshops. Dates to be advised soonest.  It didn’t really help that I was not well and in fact spent the next 5 days in hospital with pneumonia.  But life continues unabated.

2008 FAMILY LIFE THEME “ME AND MY FAMILY.” 
Each month’s theme provides opportunities for family life education and enrichment.  It is hoped that parishes will pick up this theme and the reflections for each Sunday and include this awareness of God and family in the bidding prayers at Masses.  
Family orientated reflections on the Sunday readings are published on www.marfam.org.za and in Marriage and Family Living in English and are also available in different languages by email on request. 
Some calendars and back copies of articles on the themes up to now are still available.  

GRANDPARENTS DAY – 26 JULY
The sodality of the Women of St Anne have their national celebration on 26 July, the feast of St Joachim and St Ann, the grandparents of Jesus. Very many of the ladies of St Anne are grandmothers and the weekend of 26-27 July can also be used by everyone to honour and thank the grandparents amongst us, through inclusion in the bidding prayers of the Mass or even by giving them a special blessing. 

A Movement of Prayer of Grandparents for their Grandchildren.  ‘I often come across grandparents who are seriously concerned about their grandchildren, young and also older. Older people often have more time and a greater desire for a deeper prayer life. They also sometimes feel helpless and that they are no longer useful in life. This movement is therefore designed to help them to recognize the important contribution they can still make in the lives of their families no matter how far away. 
There is no formal structure but it is helpful to be part of a group that can share with one another and offer mutual support. How often, where and when to pray can be decided or left open.   
Specific scripture passages can also be used or the readings for the day can be applied. I believe that the valuable part of this movement is in strengthening our relationship with God and with our grandchildren through the awareness that is created and the love that can blossom. I dedicate this to my own grandchildren.”   
See www.marfam.org.za  for more details about any of these ideas. 
Google will provide a host of websites about grandparents (and also on mothers-in-law)

THE EXTENDED FAMILY – a threat or a support?
This depends very much on cultural background.  In some groups 3 generations of couples and children might live together, in others 3 generations of a single sex, while sometimes the eldest son is expected to take responsibility for his siblings even into adulthood.  As with all family situations good communication can help to keep the ties strong but the need for couples to make their marriage a priority is important. 

The process known as the Pastoral cycle is a helpful tool.  See Marriage and Family Living mag for a more detailed explanation, but at its simplest it consists of the following steps.  1.  A look at our own life situation. 2. An analysis and discussion around the reality, 3. Reflection on Scripture and Church teaching. 4. Action response. 5. Evaluation, in time.

PASTORAL FORUM 9 AUGUST 2008.  Following on from the 2007 Pastoral Forum and the ongoing  formation and discernment on the role of the laity in the Church and the world this will again be an opportunity for bishops and lay representatives to dialogue about this important topic and hopefully develop some structures.   

SMARTMARRIAGES AND NACFLM CONFERENCES
Unfortunately because of my illness I was not able to travel to the US and much to my regret had to miss these 2 conference.  To find out about proceedings visit their websites www.nacflm@notes.udayton.edu   www.smartmarriages.com  Details of workshops and presenters can be found there.  Michael and Harriet McManus of MARRIAGE SAVERS are one of the presenters. Their book on cohabitation and its risks is mentioned in Zenit of 30 June in a piece called “Living Together Dangerously.”

JOHANNESBURG.  TWO TALKS ON CHRISTIAN VALUES AND BUSINESS
Oliver F. Williams C.S.C. director of the Notre Dame Center for Ethics and Religious Values in Business in the Mendoza College of Business at the University of Notre Dame is an ordained Catholic priest in the Congregation of Holy Cross.    Wednesday evening 9 July and a breakfast talk on Friday 11th July. Organised by Rosebank Parish J&P group.  Contact Douglas Irvine on 082 330 3043  or douglas@sbp.org.za

1. BEATITUDES FOR GRANDPARENTS
Blessed are the poor in spirit ... as they will not see their grandparents as a mealticket to the future.
Blessed are the gentle ... as they will recognise and be patient with the weaknesses of old age.
Blessed are they who mourn, and who comfort the bereaved and lonely in their loss.
Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice, ... that the old and weak will not be cast aside but be treated with dignity and respect.
Blessed are they who are merciful and who forgive the old for the faults and failings of yesteryear.
Blessed are the pure in heart, who see the old and young as they really are.
Blessed are the peace-makers and the agents for reconciliation between generations.
Blessed are they who accept with grace the wisdom of old age.
Blessed are they who can look back on a life of integrity and know they are loved.
Blessed are they who do not judge their young, so that they will not be judged.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because they do what is right, standing up with courage to defend what they have learned through the years.
Blessed are the old and the young, children, parents and grandparents who acknowledge with gratitude the great gift of life they have been given to share.
                        ... for the Kingdom of God is theirs.

2. A sign of the times:
I looked for a mother-in-law joke that wasn’t rude and nasty but couldn’t find one. So here is a grandmother one. 
“My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

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