MARRIAGE, FAMILY AND LOSS. HAVE WE LOST THE PLOT?

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The pastoral departments of the SA Catholic Bishops Conference recently workshopped the document of the African Synod of 1994, Ecclesia in Africa. My contribution was to invite some reflection on the model of the Church presented to us as particularly appropriate for Africa, viz Church as Family, Church as Family-of-God. In the document we were reminded that the family is the domestic church and the image ‘Church as Family’ was chosen because of the traditional family-like qualities of the African church and its people, “care for others, solidarity, warmth in human relationships, acceptance, dialogue and trust.” My question was: ”Is this model or image one for everyone in the Church in Africa and does it deal directly or directly enough with the reality of family life?”
The African Synod happened during the time of the Rwandan genocide and even now, while there are no full-scale wars going on in Africa, and our President Thabo Mbeki speaks frequently of an African Renaissance, there are places e.g. Sudan, and incidents of corruption, crime and violence going on all around us, that completely belie this comforting image of Church as Family. Surely such a view should mean that African society is pro-family or family-centred. But then can this not also be seen as exclusivist and dare we ask how we in our own situations are applying the image?
Theologians were encouraged to develop the image and its potential richness. Some theological work has been done but it appears that in the main Episcopal Conferences in the region have tended to focus on the too cosy idealistic image of happy families, sharing and caring.
Pope John Paul II and most recently Benedict XVI have written and spoken reminding us about the family, based on traditional marriage, as the foundation of society. But what is the reality in Africa if we look at family life? Take just the horrific situation around HIV/AIDS. Why if families are a strong foundation of African society is the incidence of HIV infection reportedly so much higher in Christianised Africa than Muslim Africa? Have traditional family values been eroded and lost, or what were those traditional values and how have they been lost?
The SACBC Family Life Desk has focused on marriage throughout this year with the theme MARRIAGE AND FAMILY A TOWER OF STRENGTH. Month by month different aspects have been put under scrutiny. During October, with its theme Marriage and the Mission of the Church parishes were invited to celebrate Marriage Day on the 27th Sunday of the Year as the readings were particularly appropriate. Some had very successful celebrations; powerful experiences of “warmth in human relationships” were reported. At the same time it was clear that in many, mainly black parishes, there was a very low number of “married” couples present. It was reported too from one rural parish that, although they focused on marriage, there was not one “married” couple present in the church. Christian marriage and church weddings are not highly valued in these settings.
The marriage theme for November is Loss and the focus will be primarily on widowhood. Family ministers have been specifically requested to give some attention to widows, of whom there are very many in the parishes, while few widowers appear in church. But unpacking more fully the theme of Marriage and Loss, another aspect is the loss of love in marriage. In their recent Pastoral Letter our SA bishops note as one concern “the number of married couples who, even though they stay together, live so far apart that their marriage can in no way be said to represent, or even less reflect, the union of Christ with his Church which is the mystery that the Sacrament is meant to portray.” The loss of love leads at times to separation and divorce and the divorce rate is as high for Catholics as other couples. Relate that to the low marriage rate and the seriousness of the problem is clear. Of very serious concern too is the question to what extent the expected imminent legalization of same-sex unions will undermine the value of marriage and contribute to a loss of its nature.
Sticking with loss and more or less with marriage but peeling off another layer brings us to children, “the crowning glory of marriage” (Vatican II). Loss of discipline, violence on the part of children such as stabbings at schools are in the news and the response so often is “the parents are responsible.” But parents are not coping, their own lives and relationships are too often insecure, whether they are the haves or have-nots.
All this is a dismal picture of loss and marriage and I believe too of loss of the idealistic vision of Church as Family. Is the image and model then still useful? In so far as it invites and even challenges us to come down to earth and look at real-life situations in the light of the gospel and its message as Good News, I remain hopeful.
In spite of everything, marriage and family life are good news, because it is there in our most intimate relationships that humans experience love and learn to love and so experience Jesus and the depth of the Paschal Mystery.
When I have been despondent about addressing the needs in family ministry over the years, I have been told, we’re just chipping away at the tip of the iceberg. Hang in there! I can only hope that we haven’t lost the plot. Are we chipping away with our eyes closed while global warming, as a feature of our time and a much more powerful influence, is melting the social iceberg away from under our frozen hands?
Toni Rowland

Parishes might wish to pray this prayer with their widowed people during November.
PRAYER FOR THOSE WHO ARE WIDOWED
God, our Father, I remember in prayer my spouse whom I have loved, who had a special place in my heart and in my life and who is now no longer here with me.
Thank you Lord, for the times that you gave us to share together the gift of life.
Thank you Lord for the blessings and also the crosses you granted us in our years together because they brought us closer to you.
I pray for pardon and forgiveness for anything we have done to hurt each other that still causes me pain.
I pray that you will grant my spouse eternal rest and that my memories of our life together will be a source of comfort to me.
I pray too that in time we will be reunited and live together with you in perfect joy.
I make this prayer through Christ our Lord.
Amen

2007 Family Theme : Children – Give Them Love
A start has been made with the programme for 2007 and the theme CHILDREN – GIVE THEM LOVE. As before this will be teased out more fully with monthly subthemes and resources including the 2007 calendar which is already available. The themes give some content to the work of family ministry at grass-roots level. Parish Family Ministry teams in particular but others such as family life movements and sodalities are invited to incorporate the theme of children and their needs into their programmes too as best they can. More information on the website.
To support families in their parishes Parish Family Ministry is an area that will be encouraged and supported strongly over the next months by the FL Desk. Formation talks and workshops are run on request in various parts of the country, while a manual is being developed for use in parishes. A weekend for social reflection and to develop and seek to apply suitable models is being planned. Contact us for details.
Input on Evangelisation and the Family will also be given at the upcoming Weekend for Lay Leaders of movements and sodalities organized by the Department for Evangelisation with whom the FL Desk collaborates closely.
2007 Pastoral Forum. At the 2000 Pastoral Forum “strengthening family life in the home” was one of the priorities discerned for the local church. In preparation for the next Pastoral Forum to be held in August 2007 feedback is being requested on what was done to address the priorities. Bishops, priests and laity are invited to respond to a questionnaire which is available from the Department for Evangelisation, bmcaleer@sacbc.org.za. “We are the Church” and we as members and custodians are all responsible.

Widowed Day of Reflection, Sunday 19th November at St Francis Care Centre, Boksburg.
Parish Family Ministry workshop/meeting Saturday morning 18th November at Cathedral Place. Purpose to consider the yearplan and possible activities and projects for 2007 and the new theme of children.

WIDOWED SUPPORT. Funny when you search the internet and you find your own resources first. Counselling agencies, social workers and churches do counsel widowed people but there does not appear to be a concerted effort to establish support for them. Widows in African society find themselves in a particularly vulnerable position as they report often being exploited and treated unfairly by in-laws. Dealing with the trauma of loss from whatever cause, often requires support, even minimal support is beneficial. I would welcome any information and resources known to readers.

Weekend retreat for the widowed at Goedgedacht. See advertisement.

DIVORCE SUPPORT. There is no getting away from the fact that Catholics do divorce and go to their priest for help. All social workers and counselors will offer support.
ROCS – Reginald Orsmond Counselling Services is a Johannesburg based agency founded and linked with the Johannesburg Diocese but operating independently. Contact rocs@mweb.co.za 011 673 1473.

FAMSA – Family and Marriage Association of South Africa www.famsa.org.za has 26 affiliated branches and offices throughout South Africa and is the biggest specialist resource for family life, offering training and support for a whole range of family needs. It is an NGO and does not operate from any religious background.

Family Life Centre, www.familylife.co.za, is one of the FAMSA organizations and has a number of centres in the Johannesburg area. In the area of divorce Family Life Centre offers a range of services including mediation for the parties involved and support groups. The following is taken from their website:
Divorce Support Group.
This group is for individuals going through a divorce and offers information and emotional support. Issues discussed include the emotional stages of divorce, the effects of divorce on children, the implications of your legal course of action and practicalities of living separately, The major focus, however, is on mutual support.
Life After Divorce
The loss of your marriage is intensified by the everyday losses you are experiencing. You may be experiencing economic loss, loss of your house and furniture, of familiar and precious things. You may have to deal with the loss of friends - very often friends seem to take sides, single people are thought to be odd and a threat to couples - you feel alone and lonely. You may be dealing with the loss of daily contact with your children, the loss of your in-law family or your own if they don't approve of your divorce. Other losses you may be mourning are the loss of a career, of physical security, of a sexual partner and maybe of your value system and the belief that your marriage was forever. How can you combat the pain of these losses. First you will have to choose whether you want to be a victim of these losses or whether you want to learn to be single.
The Catholic Women’s League is one of the women’s sodalities active throughout the country which in some of its branches offers social welfare support. Contact local branch.
The Government’s Social Welfare Department is of course the main provider of social services of all kinds throughout the country. The SACBC Family Life Desk networks with the Social Development’s Family Subdirectorate.
Psychologists and social workers in public or private employment can and do volunteer their services or skills to assist in parish projects. One of the objectives of Parish Family Ministry is to discover the rich resources available in their local communities and invite their help. Family problems as well as the positive side of family enrichment should not be left to the already over-burdened priests whose primary task is ministry.
My websearch also came up with the following for divorced support. http://health.mweb.co.za. This is an interactive “talk” site where no professional counseling is given.

WHO IS WHO IN THE ZOO? What marriage resources can we leave behind as the year of marriage draws to an end? Programmes and movements tend to exist mainly in the bigger dioceses, Johannesburg, Durban, Cape Town, Port Elizabeth. Some are in Bloemfontein, Kokstad and Umtata.
Recognised programmes are Catholic Engaged Encounter, Evenings for the Engaged, Lumko’s Marriage preparation programme, Mina Nawe, Marriage Encounter, Retrouvaille, (where to turn when your marriage is in trouble),Couples for Christ and its offshoots for all other family groupings, Focolare- New Families, Schoenstatt Family Movement. MARFAM is not a movement. It is mainly a publications resource but I, the coordinator, do offer widowed programmes from time to time. For the divorced the programme Turning Point is available but it is not being run anywhere in the country to my knowledge at this time.
Mostly what I hope we can leave behind is an awareness of marriage as an essential element in the Church and the ability for all, as parishes, in families and other groups to do REFLECTION AND SHARING WITH A FAMILY FOCUS as is modeled constantly in the MARFAM booklets.

RADIO VERITAS
After an initial flurry of activity the possibility of applying for a medium wave broadcasting licence for this, the only Catholic Radio Station in Southern Africa has been postponed until at least April 2007. Catholic Radio is a valuable and powerful resource for evangelization, formation and spirituality. TV would be even better but excessively costly. Veritas broadcasts at present on DSTV Channel 71 and on the web. FAMILY MATTERS, is a programme devoted to ….FAMILY MATTERS! On Wednesday 10 – 11, Saturday 11-12.

Want to know something about the Church in SA? Visit www.catholicportal.co.za a comprehensive South African website, with online shopping, information about dioceses, organizations. By Metanoia Ministries.

Another response is the following:
LOBBY GROUP TO THWART HUMAN TRAFFICKING IN SA
Human Trafficking in SA Advocacy Initiative. Membership in the group is for all interested persons who are willing to be bona fide members willing to petition and/or attend open air rallies and/or lobby by writing letters and participating in other communication activities to strengthen the resolve of this initiative to thwart Human Trafficking in South Africa.
The main purpose of this lobbying group is to build a groundswell of 10 000 members by March next year to ensure that the newly drafted legislation specific to Human Trafficking will be timeously perused and accepted by the Justice Department. In so doing that it will subsequently be tabled in Parliament. The co-ordinator of the Human Trafficking in SA Advocacy Initiative is: Mary-Ann Alho Contact: (012) 429-6224 email: alhom@unisa.ac.za

HOW ASSERTIVE SHOULD A WOMAN BE? Smartmarriages continually circulates articles of interest on the subject of marriage. To get a man to the altar in a long-standing relationship the advice given in the article “Homebuying may be a sign of commitment” by Ellen James Martin is “Consider taking a lead role in moving toward a committed relationship. Granted, many women still fear scaring the man away if they're too assertive. But Chethik says most such worries are groundless. His research indicates that just 20 percent of the men polled believe "the man should be in charge."
An increasing number of men -- especially younger men -- favor women who are assertive rather than passive in a relationship, according to Chethik. Proposing to a man still represents a risk, but it could also mean you move more quickly to your goals of marriage and homeownership.”
Visit www.smartmarriages.com for many articles and to subscribe.

ECUMENICAL OUTREACH IN NORTHERN JOHANNESBURG. The website www.cpsajoburg.org.za/database/dir_care_1.html#_1_81 provides an impressive “Directory of Care Givers in Your Community” of 15 different churches in northern Johannesburg, NGOs and the Police Services. It is an outreach project from St Thomas’ Anglican Church in order to build a caring and united neighbourhood and a good way to find out what can be done.

Speaking of a caring neighbourhood, when a fancy sportscar came crashing through my garden wall and landed 5 metres into my garden wrecking that section of the garden the neighbours, and our neighbourhood security guard, rallied immediately. There was obviously a “kykdaar” element but I was grateful for their help and hope the neighbourly contact continues. Getting everything sorted out with the insurance and fixed up is quite another matter.

Dealing with loss requires support.
However ultimately it is a private process where those who care can only offer prayer.
A small consolation for those who have suffered loss………
“CHANGE COMES, WHEN THE PAIN OF HOLDING ON IS BIGGER THAN THE FEAR OF LETTING GO."

Contact Marfam

Tel: +27 11 789 5449
Fax: +27 11 789 5449
Email: info@marfam.org.za
Web:
www.marfam.org.za

“A weekend for widows and widowers of all ages to reflect on their experience of bereavement in the past, how they are dealing with life in their present situation and a look into the future. Like marriage widowhood has its practical, psychological and spiritual elements. Widowhood is a process from grief to healing and those who have been through the experience can be a great source of support to others too.

Toni and Moyra are widows, who together with their late husbands had been active presenters in various forms of marriage ministry. Experiencing the tremendous sadness and adjustment to the loss of a spouse who was also a soul-mate has led them to this new ministry to support those who are widowed."

Cost R450,00. Booking through carligoedgedacht@telkomsa.net

Contact Marfam

Tel: +27 11 789 5449
Fax: +27 11 789 5449
Email: info@marfam.org.za
Web:
www.marfam.org.za