The extended family – a mixed blessing?

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The extended family – a mixed blessing?

What do we mean by the term extended family? It is a term that is particularly culturally loaded I would say. Do we mean the granny who lives in the “granny flat” attached to the house and who is part of the family, more or less involved and more or less useful in helping out with fetching and carrying children? Do we mean the grandparents who live far away but send substantial birthday and Christmas presents each year? Do we mean the hangers-on who, when one member is upwardly mobile, are quick to request or expect some assistance? Or is it the 97 brothers and sisters, cousins and grandchildren who come to celebrate the 97th birthday of the acknowledged head of the family?
The extended family is a very helpful part of the institution called family. Historically it played an enormously significant role in arranging marriages and providing cohesion and support as well, of course, as being the cause of much misery in such instances as family feuds or ethnic violence.
Our overall family life theme for 2006 is “Marriage and Family, a Tower of Strength” and different aspects of marriage are considered each month. The July theme is “Marriage and the Extended Family.” The feast of St Joachim and St Anne on 26th July focuses our attention on grandparents and the important and valuable role they can and do play, but there is more to the extended family than that. Tribe, clan and family call for deeply rooted loyalty which has caused many violent conflicts in Africa. The Church has at times called for this unhealthy solidarity to be broken down. Urbanisation is one of the main factors that has contributed to a lessening of this, but still a sense of connectedness, of having common ancestors and support for siblings and their offspring is almost a necessity at this time of the ravages of AIDS. The immediate family need to be the first carers, but the extended family are the next line of support particularly for orphans and they need to be helped materially and psychologically by both Church and state. It is fortunate that African families, with a world-view of “every child is our child” have traditionally been very good at caring for the children of the wider family.
Another aspect of the extended family, the role of in-laws, particularly the mother-in-law, is a hot potato. In marriage preparation when asked how they will deal with the question of their in-laws the couples often recognize the challenges facing them. Sometimes they have no choice but have to either live with them for financial reasons, or go through an adaptation process for cultural reasons. However, in a changing society with the young becoming ever more liberated and independent there are undoubtedly strains and stresses. But the resources of modern life, life- and leadership skills can well be applied here too. Negotiation, respect for others, particularly those older, concern for rights, particularly of the young couples can and should all come into play. But above all when the chips are down, blood is still thicker than water, not so?
Toni Rowland

MARFAM NEWS

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIVING magazine No 3 for July –September is available. Much of the content focuses on the themes of the months and marriage awareness campaign from weeks 21 – 27 B (27th August to 8th October) Beatitudes for Grandparents is published on the website www.marfam.org.za. Also a poem and an article from the magazine on the Extended Family in South Africa today.
Booklets of particular relevance to marriage are: ONE FAITH TWO RELIGIONS Cost R8,00 BECOMING MARRIED Cost R8,00 STATIONS OF THE CROSS FOR THE WIDOWED. Cost R5,00
AIDS STRIKES AT THE HEART. Cost R8,00 and the special 2006 Marriage booklet MARRIAGE AND THE PASCHAL MYSTERY Cost R10,00. (for simplicity the price in $1 or 1 Euro plus postage)

SACBC FAMILY LIFE DESK NEWS

The theme MARRIAGE AND FAMILY, A TOWER OF STRENGTH with its monthly subthemes continues to underlie our work. The highlight of the year will hopefully be MARRIAGE DAY on 8th October and the six weeks beforehand to prepare as couples and community. It is interesting to note that because of the liturgical readings this time was already identified by the bishops of SECAM (Symposium of Episcopal Conferences of Africa and Madagascar) in 1994 as an appropriate time to focus on marriage and the current project has the approval of the SA Catholic Bishops.
Resource materials for the marriage awareness campaign have been produced and are being distributed to parishes in South Africa, but will also be posted on the website www.marfam.org.za for downloading for those interested. Included there is a programme outline, liturgical texts for Renewal of marriage vows and other prayers for Marriage Day, lessons for children and youth and material for adult formation and for a reconciliation service for couples.
The purpose of this project is to celebrate with couples but also to involve the whole community, keeping in mind that marriage is a sacrament of the Church for the Church.

The time has come........
FIFTH WORLD MEETING OF FAMILIES – VALENCIA, SPAIN 1st – 9th JULY 2006. Visit www.wmf2006.org for programme details and news.
Together with Bishop Mvemve, the bishop for Evangelisation and Fr Cosmos Mzizi, the Chairman of the SA Council of Priests and Dawn and Dullah Brown, the Family Life Coordinators for the diocese of Oudtshoorn, I shall be participating in this meeting in Spain. Some of us will stay on and walk a part of the Camino, the pilgrimage walk to Santiago de Compastela. That will certainly be a bonus for us.
The theme for the World Meeting is “Passing on the Faith in the Family.”
According to the programme there will be an exhibition and fair, congresses for families, youth and for parents, a presentation and praying of the Rosary, Mass in the different language groups, a large gathering during which testimonies will be brought by families from different parts of the world, and the final Eucharistic celebration. The Holy Father Pope Benedict XVI will be present at the big events on Saturday and Sunday.
Meeting families, interacting with one another, being informed at the congress and inspired at the large group gatherings will no doubt contribute to make this a most spiritually enriching event. It is hoped that some coverage will be given to this by the various local media and certainly I shall do my best also to provide our own SA Catholic radio station Radio Veritas with some input.
Radio Veritas broadcasts on Radio 2000 on Sundays from 11h00 to 13h00 and on DSTV on channel 71. In addition it can be heard on www.radioveritas.co.za
We ask for your prayers in support of this very important meeting for the Church and its families.
PS. The programme FAMILY MATTERS presented by me, Toni Rowland can be heard on Radio Veritas every Sunday from 9h00 to 10h00.

"The Supreme Pontiff grants a Plenary Indulgence to the faithful under the usual conditions (sacramental confession, Eucharistic communion and prayer in keeping with the intentions of the Supreme Pontiff, with the soul completely removed from attachment to any form of sin), if they participate in any of the solemn functions held in Valencia during the Fifth World Meeting of Families, and in the solemn closing ceremony.
"All other faithful who are unable to participate in that event, may obtain the same gift of Plenary Indulgence, under the same conditions, over the days the meeting is held and on its closing day if, united in spirit and thought with the faithful present in Valencia, they recite in the family the 'Our Father,' the 'Creed,' and other devout prayers calling on Divine Mercy to concede the above-mentioned aims."
OP/PLENARY INDULGENCE/MEETING FAMILIES VIS 060628 (350)

OTHER NEWS

from the PONTIFICAL COUNCIL FOR THE FAMILY.

VATICAN CITY, JUN 6, 2006 (VIS) - The Pontifical Council for the Family, founded 25 years ago by John Paul II with the Motu Proprio "Familia a Deo Instituta," and presided by Cardinal Alfonso Lopez Trujillo, today published a document entitled: "Family and Human Procreation."
The text, according to an explanatory note written by Fr. Abelardo Lobato O.P., consultor of the pontifical council, "is destined to be an object of study, both for its doctrine and in its pastoral application." The document opens with "an introduction to the theme of the relationship between ... the family and procreation."
This theme is then developed over four chapters covering "procreation; why the family is the only appropriate place for it; what is meant by integral procreation within the family; and what social, juridical, political, economic and cultural aspects does service to the family entail" The fifth chapter presents the theme "from two complementary perspectives: the theological, in that the family is an image of the Trinity; and the pastoral, because the family lies at the foundation of the Church and is a place of evangelization."
"The document," the explanatory note continues, "makes reference above all to Vatican Council II, to Pope John Paul II who dedicated great attention to these matters, and to the recent 'Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church.' All this means that the document aims not only to find a doctrinal approach to the problem, but also to open doors to future research on the questions that are the object of discussion today."

COMMENTS AND CORRESPONDENCE

A Letter from a local reader , Mike Hennessy:

SPIRITUAL AND SECULAR ASPECTS OF MARRIAGE
Coming from a faith based background, it is easy for us to understand and to wish to defend the spiritual values of marriage. It is, unfortunately, also easy to despair at the increasing insistence by State institutions to secularise co-habitation and to attempt to grant similar legal rights to those unmarried but living together. Under our Constitution, which is so applauded, even homosexual and lesbian relationships are protected by our courts. Very little objection to this is seen, other than perhaps in church based media.
Outside of South Africa, a similar process of secularization may also be seen, but there seems to be a much more vigorous response from even the mainstream media. So, for example, in the United Kingdom, the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, publicly attacked the Government for undermining marriage with plans to give similar rights to cohabiting couples as those enjoyed by married people. It is interesting to note that in doing so, the Archbishop referred not only to the spiritual dimension of marriage, but the social and secular aspects of eroding traditional marriage. The increased social muddle, he warned, would be increased family breakdown, with dire consequences for children.
The UK commission proposing the plans insisted that the measures would not damage the institution of marriage by encouraging couples to live together rather than take vows.
It suggested that the proposals could actually encourage more people to marry because partners would no longer be able to escape financial responsibilities by living together but not making a commitment. But Dr Williams said the proposals would further dilute the unique status of marriage, which Christians view as a cornerstone of society, and replace it with the concept of cohabitation which is an utterly vague one that covers a huge variety of arrangements. At the same time, he voiced anger, shared by many of the Anglican bishops, over the way the Government introduced civil partnerships, which are widely seen as the same as civil marriage for gays.
The Archbishop has displayed great wisdom in making the case for the protection of marriage in both secular and spiritual terms. There is perhaps a lesson for South Africa here : there is seemingly incontrovertible evidence that strong families, even those not of a particularly religious bent, have a singular social value. Even in purely utilitarian terms, the argument goes, marriage is a first-rate institution: it provides education, healthcare and social services, sparing the State a good deal of effort. Why can this argument not be made more loudly in South Africa?
It is interesting to note that a recent paper (Marriage and the Public Good: Ten Principles published by the Witherspoon Institute of Princeton, NJ, and signed by a panel of distinguished scholars in the United States set out very similar reasoning : society is infinitely better off (even without the religious dimension) where there is a strong institution of marriage between a man and a woman. Ten specific principles and advantages were cited : 1. Marriage is a personal union, intended for the whole of life, of husband and wife. 2. Marriage is a profound human good, elevating and perfecting our social and sexual nature. 3. Ordinarily, both men and women who marry are better off as a result. 4. Marriage protects and promotes the well-being of children. 5. Marriage sustains civil society and promotes the common good. 6. Marriage is a wealth-creating institution, increasing human and social capital. 7. When marriage weakens, the equality gap widens, as children suffer from the disadvantages of growing up in homes without committed mothers and fathers. 8. A functioning marriage culture serves to protect political liberty and foster limited government. 9. The laws that govern marriage matter significantly. 10. "Civil marriage" and "religious marriage" cannot be rigidly or completely divorced from one another.
All of these points are argued from a purely secular perspective, but yet demonstrate how beneficial and important marriage is. From our perspective, of course, it is obvious that these advantages derive from compliance with God’s plan for the union of man and woman in holy matrimony. Add this spiritual dimension, and it is difficult to understand why so many governments fail to see the point.
Should we not be more vigorous in campaigning outside of our restricted religious environment?
Thanks to correspondents Fr Andrew from Malawi and Mihret from Ethiopia who replied to our June newsletter. You produced a great family feeling of belonging.

MORE THOUGHTS ON THE EXTENDED FAMILY
Is fostering or adopting to do with the idea of extended family? I would like to think so. Certainly the Jarvis family, well-known for TLC, THE LOVE OF CHRIST MINISTRIES for abandoned babies and many of them HIVpositive babies, brings a different dimension to “extended.” Currently there are 33 babies plus toddlers and older children. Some of the babies have been adopted into their own family over the years and many of their own family are actively involved in this ministry. Read more at www.tlc.org.za

A thought on PARISH FAMILY MINISTRY
I have just returned from conducting a workshop with a group of parishioners in a far-away rural area focusing mainly on the subject of Marriage ministry. Together with their parish priest we reflected and shared and I believe all felt mutually enriched. The cost of such a workshop in our church context would be around R1200 for two days. While preparing this newsletter I received an email invitation to visit a game lodge in very much the same area. Cost almost R1000 per person, per night, sharing, with a minimum stay of 2 days. That adds up to R4000 and no doubt would be a wonderful honeymoon or marriage enrichment experience too. Life costs!

TAILPIECE

500. BIBLICAL BUMPER STICKERS   (Courtesy of Walking with Jesus Ministries www.wwj.org.nz)

Adam: "You are what you eat."
Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
Some Hymns for the Ageing
It is well with my soul, (but my back hurts)
Nobody knows the trouble I have seeing.
Guide me O thou great Redeemer, (I have forgotten where I parked my car).

And a grandparently joke:
Janie was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.  From time to time she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.  Then she would stroke her own and his again. Finally she spoke up,” Grandpa, did God make you?” “Yes, sweetheart,” he answered.  “God made me a long time ago.”  “Oh”, she paused. “Grandpa, did God make me too?” “Yes indeed, honey,” he said. “God made you just a little while ago.”  Feeling their respective faces again she observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

Contact Marfam

Tel: +27 11 789 5449
Fax: +27 11 789 5449
Email: info@marfam.org.za
Web:
www.marfam.org.za

Contact Marfam

Tel: +27 11 789 5449
Fax: +27 11 789 5449
Email: info@marfam.org.za
Web:
www.marfam.org.za