| Newsletter for October 2003 |
WHEN TWO FAMILIES MARRY African people pride themselves and often remind us of their beliefs around marriage, that it is not just the couple who marry but the two families who enter into a particular kind of partnership. This can vary greatly in different cultures across the world, especially so in the more traditional ethnic cultures, but arranged marriages are no longer as common as they were and would be against the Church’s belief in freedom of choice. Young people marry for love, (and possibly sometimes for money) with or without the active support and involvement of their families. The name “When Two Families Marry” is also the title of a marriage preparation programme I obtained from the Omaha Archdiocese in the US some years ago. It focuses strongly on the reality, that it is not just two people who exchange vows and commit to one another for life, they do come with the gifts and the baggage of their family backgrounds. One of the tasks of marriage preparation and the early period of marriage is to consider the attitudes and values of each partner and to arrive at common values that may be the same as those of one or either, or a new set of values chosen for themselves.
Anyone who has attended a wedding will be very aware that families have different ways of doing things. Some of these may surface at the time and be argued over, laughed or cried over, some tolerated and some pushed aside for a future moment.
A priest involved in marriage preparation sometimes tells the couples “Don’t turn your in-laws into out-laws” Whenever one speaks to a group of couples, young or not so young about in-laws, there is most often a fairly negative response. Many young couples have no choice but to live with relatives. In African tradition the bride is taken into the husband’s family and the mother-in-law can be quite harsh on the young wife who also has to learn to toe the line, something which young wives nowadays are increasingly reluctant to do. In-law relationships are complex, they somehow never seem to be the same as one’s own parents, particularly when it comes to bringing up children. This of course is a reflection of the different attitudes and approaches, modeled in the family of origin and absorbed often unconsciously. Also involved is the question of trust levels. Differences in traditions and rituals include ways we celebrate birthdays, mother’s or father’s day, anniversaries, funerals, whether husband or wife are used to being away from home, ways of communicating and resolving conflict, roles of father and mother in the home and caring for children. A family is a changing, developing system that changes naturally over time as new members come on board or others leave but social changes in the last generation have also had a major impact, with the greater independence of women and both parents working outside the home now almost the norm.
Young people seldom meet their future spouse in church nowadays, much more likely at work, in a club or gym or through a friend. Family backgrounds, economic, social and religious are therefore more likely to differ. This need not become a problem but could be, if the differences are not discussed.
When two families marry it can be considered a burden or a resource for each other. The old tradition of the veiled bride being given away by her father is a relic from the time when the marriage of their children was negotiated for the benefit of the families and the couple were but pawns. Family feuds or interference are still a burden but it is also hoped that when two families marry there would be double the support for the young people, provided there is openness, tolerance and acceptance on the part of all concerned. The readings for Sunday 5th October, 27th Sunday of the Year include the Genesis 2 creation story and God’s plan, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and joins himself to his wife and they become one body.” In the gospel the Pharisees challenge Jesus on the subject of divorce. Jesus reaffirms God’s original plan and condemns the act of adultery, often the cause of a breakdown or divorce. When two families marry they owe it to one another to offer all possible support and to strengthen the newly married couple by their example. That is the way towards MAKING MARRIAGE MORE. Toni Rowland |
MARFAM NEWS The No 4 issue of MARFAM’s quarterly magazine MARRIAGE AND FAMILY LIVING is now available at R6,00 plus postage. Extracts will be published on our website. Articles include a reflection on samesex unions, on inculturation and marriage, MATER DOLOROSA MINISTRY - a story about suffering, KID STUFF – HOLY CHILDHOOD SOCIETY and more. See website for other publications. Advent booklet for family reflection and sharing available in November.
OCTOBER is Mission month. Families have a share in the mission of the Church and a mission to their own, their first task, “FAMILIES BECOME WHAT YOU ARE, THE LITTLE CHURCH OF THE HOME.” Pope John Paul II. We gratefully acknowledge his contribution as “the” pope for the family and congratulate him on his 25 year papacy.
Groups wishing to book a Widowed Retreat in November contact the MARFAM office. |
FAMILY LIFE DESK NEWS The six week programme MAKING MARRIAGE MORE finishes on Sunday 5th October. It is hoped that parishes, groups, movements, catechists, liturgy teams, families and married couples will have found this a worthwhile period of reflection and strengthening of their Sacrament of Matrimony. They are our couples. Marriage is a sacrament – just like the other sacraments, it is for the Church.
RADIO VERITAS, the South African Catholic radio station has again obtained a special events licence and will be broadcasting 24 hours a day on 92.7fm from 5th October to 2nd November. Calling itself the station that “BRINGS YOU THE GOOD NEWS FOR A CHANGE” it will be broadcasting programmes ranging from devotional to educational, provide parish news, drive-time entertainment and a youth focus. TLC, the programme in which I am involved focuses on relationship, personal growth and family life issues. On Sunday 5th October from 10-11 TLC invites listeners to join the team in celebrating MARRIAGE DAY.
2004 INTERNATIONAL YEAR OF THE FAMILY. The United Nations is again focusing on the family during 2004. The SA Department for Social Welfare and Development is spearheading the campaign and invites participation and cooperation. Further details to be announced. |
TALK-BACK, SNIPPETS, SITES TO VISIT, THINGS TO DO….
I've recently come across a book written by Christopher West called Good News about Sex and Marriage. My heart responded to the message in his book. The message resonated within me and I'm spreading the word. Read it. He also has a powerful message for the celibate. I would highly recommend you read this book. It describes the church's teachings and the Popes views as written in Humanae Vitae. I was so impressed and will be trying to integrate this into our life. He is well worth studying. God bless you for all your good work. Bernie ……………………………………………. Dear Toni Thanks again for Family Matters. I wanted to say that your Belgium letter is important since it touches on two areas that I think are often not acknowledged - (1) patriarchy and (2) an unreal idealisation of the family. (I know that the Catholic church and other churches will exercise a pastoral ministry in this regard but I wish that marriage and families wouldn't be so often talked of as if there were no issues of power and convention and culture, etc. I also think that pastoral ministry sometimes falls short of what particular situations require.) So, I, at least, was pleased to see discussion of these in your text. Receiving Family Matters also reminded me of a little curiosity item I stumbled across relating to St Wilgefortis or Uncumber which I thought I'd pass on. Perhaps you know about her - but I'll include this quote from Elizabeth Stuart's Spitting at Dragons: Towards a Feminist Theology of Sainthood (London: Mowbray, 1996, pg.131): "... St Wilgefortis, or Uncumber, resisted her pagan father's attempts to marry her to a fellow king and prayed that God would disfigure her so that no one would want to marry her. She was answered by the sudden growth of a thick beard. Her father had her crucified. Debate rages between scholars as to whether representations of her in art are in fact representations of Christ. In any case Uncumber became the patron not only of women seeking to resist marriage but also of women who are unhappily married. Unhappy women would leave sacks of oats at her shrines and Dunbar records that English wives had a particular devotion to her. Evidently the saint's ability to help women 'uncumber' themselves from men endeared her to many women, unmarried and married." A quick internet search yielded some art-work, a little more information, and a sense that devotion to her was fairly widespread thoughout Europe - apart from England, the Netherlands, Italy, and Germany were mentioned, as well as (if I recall) France and Austria. Yours sincerely, John …………………………………….. places to go, things to do. www.smartmarriages.com always has many insights into matters around marriage. Make-up, break-up, or wake-up………………..
TIME Sunday, Sep. 28, 2003 As the first children-of-divorce generation to reach marrying age, today's twenty-and thirtysomethings would much prefer a broken betrothal to a "broken home." The reasons behind the trend include the lengthening period of engagement; the vogue for mega-weddings, with their attendant stresses, expenses and complications; and the fear of divorce. The longer the engagement, the more
………………………………………………… THE MARRIAGE EDGE WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR WORLD AIDS DAY Reminder of the theme ……………………………………………….. Dear Colleague, Copyright - Culture of Life Foundation. Permission granted for unlimited
International Academy for Marital Spirituality (INTAMS) Fifth international interdisciplinary summer course about marriage & the family, offered by the International Academy of Marital Spirituality (INTAMS) and recognised by Boston College (USA), the Catholic University of Leuven (Belgium), the Università Pontificia Gregoriana (Rome, Italy) and the Eberhard-Karls University (Tübingen, Germany). The 2004 course is entitled "What is Marital Spirituality? An Interdisciplinary Investigation", and is intended for practitioners, researchers, and postgraduate students in the field of marriage and family. Contributions from theology, spirituality, and the human and social sciences. It takes place 22 - 27 August 2004 at the International Academy for Marital Spirituality in Brussels, Belgium. During the course, participants will have access to the wealth of material in INTAMS's own research library, the Library for the Interdisciplinary Study of Marriage (LIBISMA). All preliminary information about the 2004 summer course is available at http://www.intams.org/course/index.php.
CATHOLIC INFORMATION SERVICE FOR AFRICA (CISA) ------------------------------------ CONTENTS
P.S. The marriage of Miss Freda VanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in the newsletter a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct!!!!!. Please God, not. |