MAKING MARRIAGE MORE

I heard a young mother the other day on Veritas Radio (our own SA Catholic radio station that brings you the good news for a change) extolling the joys of motherhood, how she enjoyed her baby and how she and other young moms spent time supporting one another. Real heart-warming stuff. But a passing comment sounded warning bells in my head. “I love being a mom, in fact I love being a single mom.” Yes. That is real and true for a large number of young women but unfortunately not “the truth” as should be upheld by Catholic media.

A phrase about marriage, heard on another programme was that we, all the people of the Church, should be swimming in a sea of good marriages, great marriages, loving, passionate marriages. If we were all able to do this and wallow in the waves rather than struggle against the swells we could turn the tide of family breakdown and even stem the deluge of HIV/AIDS.

Congratulations to George W Bush on this one. US funding for HIV/AIDS is to strongly promote abstinence education, abstinence until marriage that is and then hopefully some energy will go into strengthening marriages in order to promote faithfulness.

"MAKING MARRIAGE MORE" will be a project of the infant Family Life Desk of the SA Catholic Bishops Conference in a country where after millions of dollars have been poured into a seemingly bottomless pit the problem of HIV/AIDS is still growing. Money is necessary to fight the pandemic but human behaviour is at the root of the matter.

Marriage could be said to be one of the core issues at the heart of the matter.

People could abstain from sex until marriage. It is possible, but hardly attractive when marriage itself is not seen to be an attractive option.

Men and women could remain faithful because their marriage fulfilled their aspirations to personal growth and well-being.

HIV/AIDS could be beaten, but not only that. Unsuccessful marriages lead to divorce, brokenness for spouses and children. We’re in a cycle. Abuse so often sets up a chain reaction. It models abuse. Abused women reject marriage relationships; one of the reasons for single parenthood. Men feel rejected, alienated and frustrated and act out their frustration. Breaking this anti-marriage cycle is not going to be simple or easy but is necessary. The Church upholds marriage, from a religious perspective yes, but it is also a natural institution and we tamper with natural archetypes at our peril.

“Weekend end Dad” was a heading I came across in our local newssheet. It was actually a list of things for any dad to do at the weekend and of course Fathers’ Day on June 15 is the current commercial target. But this brought me back to the single mom above. Will this baby’s dad ever see his baby? Does he want to, does he have rights and responsibilities, like having the baby to care for over the weekend as so many divorced fathers do too? But more to the point does he know what he is missing and is being deprived of? Do we as Catholics truly believe that the greatest gift a father can give his children is to love and honour their mother and the greatest gift a mother can give her children is to love and honour their father? That is ideally what happens in the context of marriage. Much work needs to be done to make that come true. Much more than is intimated by another ad-rag that arrived in my letter box. “Hire a Husband” to do all the household maintenance.

Will you support this campaign of MAKING MARRIAGE MORE?

Toni Rowland

SOUTHERN AFRICAN CATHOLIC BISHOPS’ CONFERENCE – FAMILY LIFE DESK

“MAKING MARRIAGE MORE” from 24th August to MARRIAGE DAY on 5th October 2003.

The liturgy of weeks 21 – 27 of this year of Mark i.e. from 24th August – 5th October 2003 provides an opportunity to focus on marriage. The SA Catholic Bishops’ Conference has approved the idea and recommends that parishes use this once-in-three year opportunity to talk about marriage to young and old, married and single, to promote marriage enrichment or seeking help.

Aspects that could be addressed in homilies, talks or parish activities are:

Marriage Preparation – remote, proximate and immediate

Marriage Enrichment at various stages of married life

Support and help for troubled marriages, the separated, divorced and widowed.

Special issues: preparation and validation of marriages conducted according to traditional custom, or an invitation to cohabiting couples to formalize their union.

Marriage Education for children, youth and young adults.

MARRIAGE DAY on 5th October can include a Renewal of Marriage Vows, validation of marriages, prayers by the whole community for the needs of the Sacrament of Matrimony.

Social occasions, anniversary tea,

Parishes are obviously free to use any material but a number of resources are being developed in collaboration with various departments and organizations. They will include Liturgical suggestions for bidding prayers and a renewal of marriage vows as well as some catechetical material for children, youth and adult catechesis.

As small Christian communities and faith sharing groups are a part of the vision of the Pastoral Plan of Community Serving Humanity there will be a small resource booklet for faith sharing for couples themselves and for others in groups to reflect on and share about marriage.

Also available will be a variety of background resources from family life movements.

This will be available from the end of June so that parishes have enough time to prepare. For more details contact Evan@sacbc.org.za or Toni direct at homefun@icon.co.za

MARFAM NEWS

As Toni Rowland will be taking over the SACBC Family Life Desk MARFAM will also relocate, but all is not lost; we will continue our working relationships in the Johannesburg diocese.

EVALUATION. All those who replied to the questionnaire sent out last month gave positive responses. It is good to know that this simple newssheet is a helpful resource.

Next step: Greater interaction and contributions from readers or your suggestions to promote and strengthen family life.

MARFAM magazine No 3 for July – September will be a important resource for MAKING MARRIAGE MORE and contain articles and information on marriage preparation, enrichment, on divorce and annulments and marriage in the African context – past and present. These will be very helpful for priests, couples, for those preparing for marriage and for those teaching about marriage.

FAMILY LITURGY

The 2003 MARFAM Family Liturgical Calendar notes for June will be posted on the MARFAM website.

CHRISTIAN UNITY WEEK - the time between Ascension Thursday and Pentecost.

This year’s theme is “strangers and foreigners in the earth.” PRAYER FOR CHRISTIAN UNITY

O God, you have called us to be exiles in this present age. Open our hearts to all who have left their earthly homes through oppression or war, poverty or hunger, rejection or abuse. Bind us together in the love of Christ that we may share his risen life and give glory to you for your boundless grace. Amen.

Families experience the pain of religious division more intimately than others. Their efforts and prayers for healing of this division can be a powerful resource for all God’s kingdom.

JUNE 1ST – RETREAT FOR WIDOWED PEOPLE. This day was a powerful experience of unity yet diversity where 22 widowed men and women, from across cultural groups were able to reflect on Stations of the Cross for Widowed people, hear one another’s experiences, comfort and enrich one another. (It was interesting that quite a number were commemorating the anniversaries of the death of their spouses this month. For those who remember him, Chris Rowland died on 22nd June 2000. RIP to him and all those others and increasing consolation to those of us who remain.)

JUNE 5TH – World Environment Day. Who remembers the World Summit for Sustainable Development 10 months later? Are we more conscious of how to manage and conserve water and energy, care for and protect the wild, not litter? South Africa’s recent legislation against the shops supplying light plastic shopping bags is a bothersome but challenging reminder. Who remembers to take their own bags?

JUNE 8TH – PENTECOST SUNDAY – Family at home activity. Reflect and share within the family what gifts and fruits of the Holy Spirit are seen in each family member. Consider which gifts are needed and pray with one another that the Holy Spirit will enrich the family, through its members, with these gifts. Details on the MARFAM website.

Also June 8th - FAMILY FUN DAY AT BOSCO. Bring a picnic basket, some food and games and join in a family day ending with the Stations of Light and Mass.

JUNE 15TH – FATHERS’ DAY. Include in the prayers and blessing at Mass all fathers, those who are present, those who are not. Pray for reconciliation between fathers and children. Liturgy sheet on website.

JUNE 16TH – YOUTH DAY. This is a commemoration of the day in 1976 when Soweto youth took matters into their own hands, in a sense giving up on their parents who they thought had failed them, and revolted against unfair educational rulings.

Pray that today’s youth will also stand for justice, that they will be welcome in their own families and that through the way they live their lives they will one day become the kind of spouses and parents they would like their parents to be.

SNIPPETS.

TOPIC FOR THE MONTH - FATHERHOOD

A goal of the National Fatherhood Initiative in the USA www.fatherhood.org is to train and educate fathers and agencies about trends and needs around fatherhood. St Joseph's Covenant Keepers www.dads.org is a Catholic fatherhood movement similar to the Promise Keepers. Find out more about this subject by searching with www.google.com. Are there any such organisations that promote and challenge our society about the father's place in the family in South Africa? Share with us.

SOME FATHER FACTS IN THE USA

Children who live absent their biological fathers are, on average, at least two to three times more likely to be poor, to use drugs, to experience educational, health, emotional and behavioral problems, to be victims of child abuse, and to engage in criminal behavior than their peers who live with their married, biological (or adoptive) parents.

Children with involved, loving fathers are significantly more likely to do well in school, have healthy self-esteem, exhibit empathy and pro-social behavior, and avoid high-risk behaviors such as drug use, truancy, and criminal activity compared to children who have uninvolved fathers. (from National Fatherhood Initiative) (this scenario appears to be similar in other countries too.)

CHILDREN AND POVERTY IN SOUTH AFRICA Johannesburg -

An estimated 11 million children younger than 18 were living in poverty last year, according to a study by the Children's Institute of the University of Cape Town.

The university said in a statement released on Monday, the beginning of Child Protection Week, that poverty, child abuse and violence and HIV/Aids were the major challenges facing children in South Africa.
"A rapid assessment on the situation of children in South Africa recently completed by the Children's Institute has indicated that key stakeholders in the children's rights sector view poverty and HIV/Aids as part of the underlying and exacerbating causes of violations of children rights," the statement read.
"To protect children, we therefore need comprehensive programmes that adequately support children and families living in poverty and those affected by or infected with HIV/Aids."
In the study poverty was measured in different ways.
When using an absolute poverty measure of R490 household income per month, the study found that 75% of children under the age of 17 lived in poverty - an estimated 14.3 million or three out of every four children in South Africa.
If a monthly minimum income of R245 per household was used, 57% of children younger than 17 lived in dire poverty - an estimated 11 million.
"Whether analysing child poverty using an absolute or relative measure, it is evident that between 57% and 75% of children in South Africa are living in poverty of varying degrees."
Of the children living in poverty, 23% were in KwaZulu-Natal and 21% in the Eastern Cape. Seventeen percent of Limpopo children lived in poverty while in Gauteng the figure was 10%. The Northern Cape had the fewest number of
children living in poverty with only two percent.
Grants: Children younger than eight who were living in poverty had the right to assistance through social grants. In October last year only 42% were, however, benefiting from Child Support Grant (CSG).
"While the government has implemented different poverty alleviating mechanisms and this year announced a roll-out extension of the CSG to children up to 14 years over a three-year period, these efforts still fall short of meeting children's basic needs and promoting their socio-economic rights."
Confusion over the extension of the Child Care Grant saw many parents and other care-givers being turned away from registration points.
A lack of staff, offices and other resources also made it difficult for the social welfare department to register children aged seven and eight for grants, despite a clear stipulation that they qualified for the extensions.
"There is an urgent need to re-examine the Government's poverty alleviating interventions. "Most importantly, South Africa does not have a comprehensive and integrated national poverty strategy and interventions therefore appear to be
uncoordinated and fragmented."

One wonders what role the father's presence or absence plays in this scenario? TR

Teaching Dads About Time - a story

A man came home from work late, and as usual, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year-old son waiting for him at the door. "Daddy, may I ask you a question?" "Yeah, sure. What is it?" replied the man.

"Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?"

"That's none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.

"I just wanted to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?" pleaded the little boy.

"I am paid $20 an hour," responded the man, resentfully.

Looking up, the little boy said, "Daddy, may I borrow $9 please?"

The father was furious. "The only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a toy or some other nonsense. You march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you're being so selfish. I work long, hard hours every day and don't have time for such childish games."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and got even madder about the little boy's questioning. After a time, the man calmed down. He started to think he might have been a little hard on his son. Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $9. After all, he didn't ask for money very often. The man went to his son's room and opened the door.

"Are you asleep, son?" he asked. "No Daddy. I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the man. "I’m sorry I was so angry. What do you need that $9 for?"

The little boy sat up, beaming. He reached under his pillow, he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his Dad.

"Why did you want $9 if you already have money?" the father grumbled.

"Because I didn't have enough, but if you lend me $9, I will have enough to buy an hour of your time tonight," the little boy replied. <

Share this story with someone, but even better, share $20 worth of time with someone you love. Sent via email by Paul Lusardi. to the St Joseph's covenant Keepers website.

Southern African Catholic Bishops’ Conference AIDS Office, Catholic Theological Society of Southern Africa, St Augustine College of South Africa, Cluster Publications

RESPONSIBILITY IN A TIME OF AIDS

A Pastoral Response by Catholic Theologians and AIDS Activists
In Southern Africa - Edited by Stuart C Bate OMI email: scbate@staugustine.ac.za

Normal Price R70. Special launch Price R50

· An analysis of our Southern African society that reveals a thread of unwillingness, by many stakeholders, to take responsibility for the AIDS tragedy unfolding before us.

· Yet a call for greater responsibility is often narrowly misunderstood as searching for someone to blame.

· Responsibility is not the apportioning of blame but rather the empowerment of people to take charge of their lives in an ethical human response to this crisis which affects us all.

· Irresponsibility is seen in actions like the rape of virgins for a cure, the refusal to admit the presence of the disease in our communities, the hiding away of AIDS victims, reckless sexual behaviour and, disastrously, the apparently incoherent response of the South African Government to develop an effective strategy to fight the disease.

· Responsibility means enabling the fullness of life expressed as concern, preventing infection spread, care for others and the promotion of the common good.

· This book explores these themes from a Catholic theological perspective.

The World renowned Catholic Life Issues speaker, Professor Janet Smith, is to visit South Africa in July 2003 to speak on subjects such as Natural Family Planning, Contraception and abortion, premarital sex and the family under siege.

Prof Smith will speak in Cape Town, Johannesburg and Bulawayo, Zimbabwe.

Enquiries: Jenny Harrington: 011 678 9426; Dr Heinz Wirz: 011 453 0791; Norman Servais: 021 461 1600